Rayhanah (former Muslim)

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This is a testimony of a Muslim leaving Islam. It was originally posted at the FaithFreedom website and has been reproduced here with permission. Views contained in these testimonies are not necessarily endorsed by WikiIslam. See the Testimony Disclaimer for details.
Personal information
Country of origin    Withheld Flag of Withheld.png
Gender    F
Faith Information
Current worldview Unknown
Born or convert to Islam? Born into Islam
Parents' worldview Islam

Letter to Ali Sina[edit]

Dear Dr. Sina,

I am very much grateful for all of your efforts to establish and maintain FFI. Without it, my eyes would have never been opened and I could never have seen the true face of Islam. I was born Muslimah. Now in my early forties, I am a mother of two wonderful boys. I am living in a Muslim country. 99.9% of my countrymen do not understand Arabic. They blindly follow what the mullahs tell them. With the exception of a few, almost everyone here is “moderate” Muslim.

For sure, I was one of those who took to heart every word of the Mullahs. I was a member of numerous majlas. Almost everyday, I attended a majlis where a mullah taught us what the Quran (did not) says. After he finished speaking, there was a Q&A session and I used to ask him many questions. Sometimes I was satisfied with the answers, but sometimes I wasn’t. When I first came to your website I was totally shocked. Rather than stop reading your articles, I was more curious. While I continued reading, I discussed with my husband and my Muslim friends, and ask questions from some gurus. With my husband, of course, it was a frankly and straight discussions while with my friends and Mullahs I had to ask my questions in a disguised way. However, this did not prevent one of my friends to question whether I am still a Muslimah. After that I stopped asking her more questions

Maybe I am an apostate now because I stop my 5 times praying and plan not to fast this year. I regret the huge amount of money we spent for our Hajj and Omra. It would have been better if I had taken my boys to Disneyland or Europe. Muhammad needed Islam as a tool to improve his own life. If he could see Muslims today from his grave, he would probably laugh hysterically for taking his lies so seriously. The bloody fights and struggle for power between Muhammad’s closest companions, which happened right after his death, proves that Islam is false. If Islam is a religion of peace, why its history is not peaceful? Its founder used the sword instead of language and so did his companions. He also taught his follower to conquer, subdue and dominate and use violence and cruelty to do so.

My husband is a very kind man, both to his own family as well as to others. He is well educated. He is a ‘devout’ Muslim. Besides the compulsory prayers he performs several other extra/sunnah prayers, everyday. When I showed him the ayah about crucifying and cutting the kafirs’ fingers, I could see the expression of shock in his face. Then I bombarded him with many others ayahs, hadiths and your articles. He began to deny everything and suddenly became a fierce advocate of Islam and Muhammad. He is questioning me about life after death, the existence of God, what will I feel when I am in dying state, etc. He also said that there must be a God to make the universe and give it order and harmony.

I answered him (plagiarizing you) that we all human are like a group of ants living in a garden. The gardener does not care whether the ants worship him not and will not ask them to worship him. He would not send an ant messenger to warn them and will not burn them if they do not worship him. My husband’s favourite argument is the Pascal Wager. Honestly, I do not really understand the Pascal Wager. That is why I still worry how if God (not Muhammad’s Allah) exists. I do not want to be burnt eternally in hell. But which God should I believe? Now my paranoia begins. I worry when I knew that tomorrow is my son’s turn to practice swimming in school. I worry if tomorrow they will do field trip somewhere. Will they come home safely? I even wanted to sit waiting behind the door of my youngest son class. (Un) Fortunately he did not allow me:D I am scared to death if something or someone harms them. When I still believed in Allah, I always pray for their safety. I asked Allah to ‘guard’ them as Quran says Allah is the best protector. Then I lived my own life happily waiting for them to come home. Now I know that when I prayed for their safety, no Allah heard me. Those ‘happy’ old days have forever changed.

My husband knows I will never pray again. He believes good or bad luck are from Allah alone. If we did good deeds then Allah will reward us. I am afraid if something bad happen to us he will blame me, because of my neglects to Allah. Let us say, something like our business downturn, our water pipes break, our kid get flu, etc, etc. I will be the only scapegoat for everything that may go wrong. What if he starts believing that apostates are najis. I worry this will badly effect our marriage relationship. Anyhow, I can and am ready to take all the risks. If this should be, let it be. Of course I will do all efforts to keep my marriage well for the sake of my children. If I have to do ‘kafir taqiyya’ then I will do. I must think a good answer for my hubby why I canceled my apostasy.

Like all mothers everywhere, I want the best for my kids. I want my sons to escape Islam. At least let them know the truth about Islam. They are studying in one of the best private schools in the city. They follow a western curriculum. But still it is an Islamic school. I encourage them to study English and Science. I searched my book shelves to find the “Science for Kids” sets and put them in front, easy to reach, replacing “Islam for Kids” books. I do not ask them to recite dua before sleeping anymore (their father does). Instead, my bed stories are about the Sun, the Moon, planets, asteroids, how a star formed, water cycle, etc. I want them to study in the west now. I hope, when the time comes, I will have enough money to send them to study abroad.

I want them to seek the opportunity to work and stay in the west, forever. This is something totally different from what I thought before. I never liked the west. I preferred to visit Muslim countries. Even at that time I used to say to myself, if I have to live in other country, I will come to my home country for Ramadan and Eid, because for me no place in earth beats Ramadan atmosphere better than in my home country. Now, Ramadan is alien to me. I do not know whether my intention to send my kids to the west will be approved by my husband if he knows my real reasons. By the way, I am not a computer savvy person. Can people trace me if I send mail like this? How can I be totally anonymous?

I feel better now because I can talk to someone. It lifted the burden in my chest. Dr. Sina, thank you for your attention and excellent works.

Best Regards,

Reply from Ali Sina[edit]

Dear Rayhanah (I just give you this name because I don’t know your real name and don’t want to know it) I am very glad to read your testimony. More and more people are seeing the truth and are leaving Islam. Personally, I cannot believe in God. However, I am not against the belief in God. I actually think some people benefit from it.

I found myself preaching God to a guy last month. Later that night I found humor in what I did and has a few chuckles, but I think I did the right thing. This man’s life was a mess. He was a loud obnoxious person with anger problem who fought with everyone, had alcohol problem and was about to lose the custody of his infant daughter and go to Jail for a threat he made to his girlfriend. (All that actually happened later.) I went to talk to him. He thought I had come to evict him for not paying his rent and tried to avoid me. He had no money because he could not go to work as his truck was impounded when he was caught driving under the influence of alcohol. I reassured him I was not there to talk about money but about him. When his fear was subsided he opened up said no one loves him.

“Do you love yourself?” I asked.

“No I hate mysef.” He responded. He told me he had suicidal thoughts.

I knew the source of his problem. When you don’t love yourself, you feel shame and to cover that shame you act violently, become anti social and dangerous. (That is basically the reason Muslims are violent.) I asked how can he expect others to love him when he does not love himself. He said he does not find himself worthy of love.

I asked whether he believed in God. He hesitated and said he was not sure.

I said; “Do you know that God loves you.”

“I am a bad person.” He replied.

I said; “God loves you the way you are.”

He started crying. Now, this is a tough guy, 6’4” tall and 240 lb muscular construction worker.

He told me about his loveless childhood and how his mother neglected him, etc. There was a little hurt child beneath that rough facade. I said; I don’t need to hear that, because I know it already. However, he has to learn to love himself, as without it, his problems will become worse.

“How can I love myself if I am worthless?” he asked.

“That is not true,” I said. “God created you. Didn’t he? Would he create something worthless?”

“But why does he not answer my prayers?”

“Prayer is like rain. But if you want to harvest a crop, will rain alone be enough? You have to sow the seeds too. Our actions are the seeds. You have to do the right thing and plan your life. We reap what we sow. If you sow good deeds you’ll reap good fruits.“

I made him watch the video of one of the most wonderful beings on earth. The amazing, the beautiful Nick Vujicic - a precious gift to all humanity:

As he watched Nick, tears started rolling on his cheeks. He then said that he wants to do the right thing and change his life. Sadly, he did not stick to his words. A few days later he went back drinking, went to his girlfriend’s house, smashed a door, and tried to force himself in the house issuing more threats. He was caught by the police and is now in jail.

The point is that if the belief in God helps you improve your life, why not use it to your benefit? I do not share the fervor and the religious zeal of those atheists who aggressively promote atheism as if it will solve all the problems of the word. That is not true at all. Atheism does not make people any better, just as religions don’t. The most atrocious crimes of the 20th century were committed by atheists. Religion is not the problem. The problem is bigotry. One can be a bigot whether one believes in God or not. I do not want to take people’s God away from them. If you feel comfort in your faith in God, continue believing. It really does not matter whether you believe in God or not and if God exists, He would not give a hoot. If the belief in God is a “crutch,” and you need crutches, use it as a crutch. All you need to do is love yourself, love others and love the world. If God exists, He would not want anything different.

Actually when you love yourself, you will love others and the world too. The reverse is also true. If you are unable to love yourself, you can’t love anyone or anything. Love thyself, because, you are a unique gift of the univerese. This is the only religion that matters. You can practice this religion with the belief in God or without it. I am not against any religion. I am against the evil and the hatred that Islam teaches. Sadly, Islam and hatred cannot be separated. Islam is hatred. The god of Muslims is a god of fear. The God of other religions is a god of love. This is a major difference that affects the psychology of the believers differently.

When your god is a god of love, you feel loved unconditionally and feel good about yourself. Your self esteem grows and you become a happy and positive person. When your god is a god of fear, like Allah, who will punish you in the most sadistic way for minor transgressions, like being curious and askiing “impertinent” questions that he cannot answer, you do not feel the unconditional love that, say, Christians feel. This makes you feel guilty and shamed. As the result you become angry and violent. We mask our shame with aggression.

Since humans are fallible by nature, if you believe in a god that has unconditional love for you and will love you even when you sin, your self-esteem remains intact, even when you sin. But if your god is fearsome and his love is conditional, you never know whether he accepts you or not. So you live in constant fear and this uncertainty causes anxiety and shame, which makes you violent. In Islam only one thing guarantees salvation and that is martyrdom. So you become a terrorist in the hope that you will be accepted by God.

As you see, all beliefs are not the same. Some beliefs are truly demonic.

Recently an Iraqi woman was caught who used shame to create terrorists. This woman arranged for Muslim girls to get raped and then she would tell them that the only way they could get rid of this shame and be forgiven by Allah is to become martyrs. She had thus created eighty women suicide bombers. Fifty of them had already committed suicide bombings. This is the result of the belief in a god of fear and shame. You cannot easily manipulate a Christian who believes in a god of love, a god that forgives every sin unconditionally in this way. Of course, Muhammad invented Allah to manipulate people, to make them submit and not to set them free.

Also there are some Christians who practice hate. Yesterday a Muslimah sent me the comment of a Pastor, who praised Islam and wrote, “There is no doubt that Islam is presently the most lively religion on the planet. Christianity is in a terrible state of decline, thanks to the perfidious Jew. I look forward to the day when Christianity and Islam will resume their previously cordial relations.”

I wrote an email to this pastor showing him what Muhammad said about Christians and that Muslims never had cordial relations with Christians. But I became curious of this pastor because of his “perfidious Jews” remark. When I searched his name, I saw he is a White Supremacist. That is why he hates the Jews and loves Islam. People of hate agree with each other. Hitler also admired Muhammad and Islam. People of hate find themselves united in their hatred.

Jesus did not preach hate. But if you have hate in your heart you can use even Christianity to incite hate. Just as this pastor who uses Christianity to justify his White racism, Jeremiyah Write the friend and pastor of Obama uses Christianity to justify Black racism.

You can find Muslims who are loving and good people. But that is not what Islam teaches.

Now, what to tell to your husband? Tell him that you respect his superior wisdom and knowledge. (You and I know that the belief that men are superior to women in anything is baloney. But he is a Muslim man and he likes to think that way.) Then tell him that because you are a woman and Muhammad said women have “short memory” and are “deficient in intelligence and faith,” there are some doubts in you that you’d like him to remove them. He should agree. After all he likes to prove that he is superior. Then give him my book (which I am sending to you attached) and tell him to help you understand Islam by refuting the allegations that I have made against Muhammad. Appeal to his male pride and trick him to read the book. Once he reads the book he will leave Islam. I guaranty it. Make sure you read the book first.

I receive many emails from Muslims who assure me they can prove me wrong. I tell them that I will not only accept Islam but will also convert FFI site into a da’wa site. However, they have to read my book (all of it) and refute it. Most of them bite the bait and agree unaware that their lives is about to change. Then I send them the book. (Sorry, this offer is valid only for Muslims who hate me and will not buy my book. The rest of you have to buy it. I am a writer and this is my job. My articles are free but I want to be paid for my books.)

A large percentage of those who read my book leave Islam. The rest never write back. I believe they go in shock. A few also write to say they read the first few pages and will not read more because I am hopeless.

If you have a loved one who is trapped in Islam and you want to help him/her. Trick him to read Understanding Muhammad and I promise that by the time they finish it they will either leave Islam or will be so shaken with doubts that will not know what to believe.

For everything there is a time. The time for the death of Islam has come. Nothing can stop it from happening.

Wish you the best

Ali Sina

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