This page contains content of a humorous nature
Continue at your own peril
This page lists some of the more humorous texts that are found within Islamic scripture.
- 1 Muhammad humiliates Satan the genie by choking him with his bare hands
- 2 Water mixed with dead dogs and menstrual clothes still clean
- 3 Fever comes from the heat of Hell
- 4 Wicked wigs
- 5 Divinely cooked and delivered pot of meat fixes Prophet's performance problems in bed
- 6 One-shoe walks outlawed
- 7 Sheep owners are humble while horse and camel owners are arrogant
- 8 Let's get to know each other first
- 9 Say no to green jars and white jars
- 10 Straighten prayer rows to avoid plastic surgery
- 11 A drink that gives you wings
- 12 Holy ride on smelly donkey causes massive shoe fight and obvious Qur'an revelation
- 13 Sinning with silverware
- 14 Inanimate objects awaken from their slumber
- 15 Prophet shows how to profit
- 16 Abdomen contradicts Allah
- 17 One sneeze, two sneeze, three sneeze, four
- 18 Allah likes sneezing but hates yawning
- 19 Allah, rain there, not here!
- 20 Fight polytheists by trimming moustache
- 21 Allah loves sneezes (aacchoo!)
- 22 3x Assalaamu ‘alaykum, may I enter?
- 23 Interpretation of dreams
- 24 Allah takes away Prophet's knowledge
- 25 Pus better than poetry
- 26 Spit on the left for protection against bad dreams
- 27 Genetics 101
- 28 Death be upon you, too
- 29 Prophetic buttocks
- 30 Stating the obvious
- 31 The almighty wind
- 32 Could someone please lick my hands? Thank you
- 33 The art of dealing with a fart
- 34 Hey Muhammad, need a beer?
- 35 Allah curses tatooed women
- 36 Angel Gabriel said hello
- 37 Dye your hair because Jews and Christians don't
- 38 Izar dragging causes endless descent
- 39 Greeting order
- 40 Well hello, hello, hello
- 41 Poke the Peeping Tom
- 42 Allah prefers odd numbers
- 43 Overweight omen
- 44 Searching for the meaning in life... and 3 stones
- 45 A Tree which is 25.5 million miles wide
- 46 Economical dry-cleaning in tough times
- 47 Annoying in-laws, a universal phenomenon
- 48 Genies like bones and animal dung
- 49 Incantations while having sex
- 50 Cover all your bases
- 51 Devils on a leash
- 52 Allah's advice to his prophets
- 53 Prostitutes can stay out of Hell by helping a thirsty dog
- 54 Bodyguard job: Females need not apply
- 55 Looking at genitals or talking during intercourse may cause disabilities for child
- 56 Say "Allah willing" during intercourse to give birth to Islamic militants
- 57 Dirty teeth can invalidate a fast
- 58 "This Muhammad of yours is a dwarf and fat"
- 59 Watermelons and cucumbers
- 60 Companions of Muhammad masturbated during Jihad
- 61 Don't flash Allah
- 62 Doodling is a sin!
- 63 Animals and living things
- 64 Race relations, the Islamic way
- 65 In a dream, Satan cannot imitate the Prophet
- 66 Don't be late, the angels are watching
- 67 Allah wants to see you...naked
- 68 People are just like camels
- 69 Flag fixed behind the buttocks
- 70 Satanic influences
- 71 Call of nature related to offensive and wicked things
- 72 Islamic Heaven: "appetizing vaginas" and "ever-erect" penises
- 73 Allah punishes Muhammad for Safiyah's capture by making him fall off a camel
- 74 Tortured in the grave for peeing on himself
- 75 Faeces radiates towards Allah
- 76 Black dogs are devils
- 77 Playing chess is evil
- 78 Aminah and her vagina light
- 79 Free a Muslim slave, and save your private parts
- 80 Don't ever raise your head
- 81 He pees like a woman
- 82 If you disagree with the Qur'an you should go hang yourself
- 83 Drunk water while standing up? Puke it out!
- 84 Two things the Prophet loves: perfume and women
- 85 Looking up during prayer may cause blindness
- 86 Perpetual suicide
- 87 Masturbation leads to a pregnant hand and too much sex leads to death
- 88 Muhammad the inadvertent trend-setter has a temper tantrum
- 89 Believers will enter paradise even if they have had illegal sexual intercourse or committed theft
- 90 Prophet's sweat used as perfume
- 91 Refusing to die, Moses slaps Angel of Death and damages his eye
- 92 Eat dirty food and lick your fingers clean to starve the devil
- 93 Muslim women gossip about their husbands
- 94 A novel way to identify true Muslims
- 95 Can you even make heads or tails out of this?
- 96 Shia: They too deserve their place in this silliness, don't they?
- 97 Famous Hadith Narrator accompanies Prophet only to get Free Meals
- 98 See Also
- 99 External Links
Muhammad humiliates Satan the genie by choking him with his bare hands
Narrated Abu Huraira: The Prophet once offered the prayer and said, "Satan came in front of me and tried to interrupt my prayer, but Allah gave me an upper hand on him and I choked him. No doubt, I thought of tying him to one of the pillars of the mosque till you get up in the morning and see him. Then I remembered the statement of Prophet Solomon, 'My Lord! Bestow on me a kingdom such as shall not belong to any other after me.' Then Allah made him (Satan) return with his head down (humiliated)."
Water mixed with dead dogs and menstrual clothes still clean
Narrated AbuSa'id al-Khudri: The people asked the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him): Can we perform ablution out of the well of Buda'ah, which is a well into which menstrual clothes, dead dogs and stinking things were thrown? He replied: Water is pure and is not defiled by anything.
Fever comes from the heat of Hell
The Prophet said, "Fever is from the heat of Hell, so abate fever with water."
Narrated Abdullah (bin Mus'ud):
Allah's Apostle has cursed the lady who uses false hair.
Divinely cooked and delivered pot of meat fixes Prophet's performance problems in bed
Waqidi said: “The prophet of Allah used to say that I was among those who have little strength for intercourse. Then Allah sent me a pot with cooked meat. After I ate from it, I found strength any time I wanted to do the work.”
Ibn Sa'd's Kitab Tabaqat Al-Kubra, Volume 8, Page 200
Comments: World renowned Chefs Jamie Oliver and Gordon Ramsey have converted to Islam in hopes of Allah sending them the recipe.
One-shoe walks outlawed
Narrated Abu Huraira:
Allah's Apostle said, "None of you should walk, wearing one shoe only; he should either put on both shoes or put on no shoes whatsoever."
Sheep owners are humble while horse and camel owners are arrogant
Narrated Abu Huraira:
Allah's Apostle said, "The main source of disbelief is in the east. Pride and arrogance are characteristics of the owners of horses and camels
, and those bedouins who are busy with their camels and pay no attention to Religion; while modesty and gentleness are the characteristics of the owners of sheep
Let's get to know each other first
"When the Prophet went to her he found her to be an old woman, so he divorced her."
al-Tabari vol.9 p.139
Say no to green jars and white jars
I heard 'Abdullah bin Abi Aufa saying, "The Prophet forbade the use of green jars." I said, "Shall we drink out of white jars?" He said, "No."
Straighten prayer rows to avoid plastic surgery
Narrated An-Nu'man bin 'Bashir:The Prophet said, "Straighten your rows or Allah will alter your faces."
A drink that gives you wings
Narrated Abu Huraira: The Prophet said "If a house fly falls in the drink of anyone of you, he should dip it (in the drink), for one of its wings has a disease and the other has the cure for the disease."
Holy ride on smelly donkey causes massive shoe fight and obvious Qur'an revelation
Narrated Anas: It was said to the Prophet "Would that you see Abdullah bin Ubai." So, the Prophet went to him, riding a donkey, and the Muslims accompanied him, walking on salty barren land. When the Prophet reached 'Abdullah bin Ubai, the latter said, "Keep away from me! By Allah, the bad smell of your donkey has harmed me." On that an Ansari man said (to 'Abdullah), "By Allah! The smell of the donkey of Allah's Apostle is better than your smell." On that a man from 'Abdullah's tribe got angry for 'Abdullah's sake, and the two men abused each other which caused the friends of the two men to get angry, and the two groups started fighting with sticks, shoes and hands. We were informed that the following Divine Verse was revealed (in this concern):-- "And if two groups of Believers fall to fighting then, make peace between them. (Quran 49:9
Sinning with silverware
Narrated Um Salama:
(the wife of the Prophet) Allah's Apostle said, "He who drinks in silver utensils is only filling his abdomen with Hell Fire."
Comment: If wearing gold or silver is acceptable in Islam, why should eating with silver or gold utensils be an issue?
Inanimate objects awaken from their slumber
A Stone which steals clothes
Abu Huraira reported that Moses was a modest person. He was never seen naked and Banu Isra'iI said: (He was afraid to expose his private part) because he had been suffering from scrotal hernia. He (one day) took bath in water and placed his garments upon a stone. The stone began to move on quickly. He followed that and struck it with the help of a stone (saying): O stone, my garment; O stone, my garments, O stone.....
A crying tree misses the Prophet's sermons
Narrated Jabir bin 'Abdullah: The Prophet used to stand by a tree or a date-palm on Friday. Then an Ansari woman or man said. "O Allah's Apostle! Shall we make a pulpit for you?" He replied, "If you wish." So they made a pulpit for him and when it was Friday, he proceeded towards the pulpit (for delivering the sermon). The date-palm cried like a child!
The Prophet descended (the pulpit) and embraced it while it continued moaning like a child being quieted. The Prophet said, "It was crying for (missing) what it used to hear of religious knowledge given near to it."
"La Ilaha Illa Allah," sadomasochistic food glorifies Allah while being eaten
Narrated 'Abdullah: We used to consider miracles as Allah's Blessings, but you people consider them to be a warning. Once we were with Allah's Apostle on a journey, and we ran short of water. He said, "Bring the water remaining with you." The people brought a utensil containing a little water. He placed his hand in it and said, "Come to the blessed water, and the Blessing is from Allah." I saw the water flowing from among the fingers of Allah's Apostle , and no doubt, we heard the meal glorifying Allah
, when it was being eaten (by him).
Trees as informers
Narrated ‘Abdur-Rahman: "I asked Masruq, ‘Who informed the Prophet about the Jinns at the night when they heard the Qur'an?’ He said, ‘Your father ‘Abdullah informed me that a tree informed the Prophet about them.’"
A saluting stone or a delusional Prophet?
Jabir b. Samura reported Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) as saying: I recognise the stone in Mecca which used to pay me salutations before my advent as a Prophet and I recognise that even now.
Abu al-Darda reported the Messenger of Allah (May peace be upon him) as saying: "When a man curses anything, the curse goes up to heaven and the gates of heaven are locked against it. Then it comes down to the earth and its gates are locked against it. Then it goes right and left, and if it finds no place of entrance it returns to the thing which was cursed, and if it finds no place of entrance it returns to the thing which was cursed, and if it deserves what was said (it enters it), otherwise it returns to the one who uttered it." (Hasan)
Hellfire complains to Allah
Narrated Abu Huraira:
Allah's Apostle said, "The (Hell) Fire complained to its Lord saying, 'O my Lord! My different parts eat up each other.' So, He allowed it to take two breaths, one in the winter and the other in summer, and this is the reason for the severe heat and the bitter cold you find (in weather)."
Prophet shows how to profit
Narrated 'Abdullah bin 'Umar: A man mentioned to the Prophet that he had always been cheated in bargains. The Prophet said, "Whenever you do bargain, say, 'No cheating.'"
Abdomen contradicts Allah
Narrated Abu Said: A man came to the prophet and said, 'My brother has got loose motions. The Prophet said, Let him drink honey." The man again (came) and said, 'I made him drink (honey) but that made him worse.' The Prophet said, 'Allah has said the Truth, and the abdomen of your brother has told a lie."
One sneeze, two sneeze, three sneeze, four
Malik related to me from Abdullah ibn Abi Bakr from his father that the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "If a man sneezes, invoke a blessing on him. Then if he sneezes, invoke a blessing on him. Then if he sneezes, invoke a blessing on him. Then if he sneezes, say, 'You have a cold'." Abdullah ibn Abi Bakr said, "I don't know whether it was after the third or fourth."
Allah likes sneezing but hates yawning
Narrated Abu Huraira: The Prophet said, "Allah likes sneezing and dislikes yawning, so if someone sneezes and then praises Allah, then it is obligatory on every Muslim who heard him, to say: May Allah be merciful to you (Yar-hamuka-l-lah). But as regards yawning, it is from satan, so one must try one's best to stop it, if one says 'Ha' when yawning, satan will laugh at him."
Allah, rain there, not here!
Summary: People's livestock were dying because of lack of water. On request, Muhammad prayed to Allah who instantly brought so much rain that that caused livestock to die due to excess of water. Then Muhammad told Allah to rain around them, not on them and the rain stopped.
Anas bin Malik said, "A person entered the Mosque on a Friday through the gate facing the Daril-Qada' and Allah's Apostle was standing delivering the Khutba (sermon). The man stood in front of Allah's Apostle and said, 'O Allah's Apostle, livestock are dying and the roads are cut off; please pray to Allah for rain.' So Allah's Apostle (p.b.u.h) raised both his hands and said, 'O Allah! Bless us with rain. O Allah! Bless us with rain. O Allah! Bless us with rain!" Anas added, "By Allah, there were no clouds in the sky and there was no house or building between us and the mountain of Silas'. Then a big cloud like a shield appeared from behind it (i.e. Silas Mountain) and when it came in the middle of the sky, it spread and then rained. By Allah! We could not see the sun for a week. The next Friday, a person entered through the same gate and Allah's Apostle was delivering the Friday Khutba and the man stood in front of him and said, 'O Allah's Apostle! The livestock are dying and the roads are cut off; Please pray to Allah to withhold rain.' " Anas added, "Allah's Apostle raised both his hands and said, 'O Allah! Round about us and not on us. O Allah!' On the plateaus, on the mountains, on the hills, in the valleys and on the places where trees grow.' " Anas added, "The rain stopped and we came out, walking in the sun." Sharik asked Anas whether it was the same person who had asked for rain the previous Friday. Anas replied that he did not know.
Fight polytheists by trimming moustache
Ibn Umar said: The Messenger of Allah (may peace be opon him) said: Act against the polytheists, trim closely the moustache and grow beard.
Allah loves sneezes (aacchoo!)
Narrated Abu Huraira: The Prophet said, "Allah loves sneezing but dislikes yawning; so if anyone of you sneezes and then praises Allah, every Muslim who hears him (praising Allah) has to say Tashmit to him. But as regards yawning, it is from Satan, so if one of you yawns, he should try his best to stop it, for when anyone of you yawns, Satan laughs at him."
3x Assalaamu ‘alaykum, may I enter?
(Abu ‘Eesa said: a saheeh hasan hadeeth, 2614) Abu Sa’eed said: Abu Moosa sought permission to enter upon ‘Umar. He said,
Assalaamu ‘alaykum, may I enter? ‘Umar said, That was once, then he kept silent for a while. Abu Moosa again said,
Assalaamu ‘alaykum, may I enter? ‘Umar said, That was twice, then he kept silent for a while. Abu Moosa again said,
Assalaamu ‘alaykum, may I enter? ‘Umar said, That was three times. Then Abu Moosa went away. ‘Umar asked the doorkeeper, What happened? The doorkeeper said, He went away. ‘Umar said, bring him back. When he came back, ‘Umar said, What is this that you have done? Abu Moosa said, It is the Sunnah. ‘Umar said: is it? Then he said, I did not know this…
Interpretation of dreams
Narrated Abu Said Al-Khudri: Allah's Apostle said, "While I was sleeping I saw (in a dream) some people wearing shirts of which some were reaching up to the breasts only while others were even shorter than that. Umar bin Al-Khattab was shown wearing a shirt that he was dragging." The people asked, "How did you interpret it? (What is its interpretation) O Allah's Apostle?" He (the Prophet ) replied, "It is the Religion."
Allah takes away Prophet's knowledge
Narrated 'Abdullah: The Prophet said, "Abusing a Muslim is Fusuq (an evil doing) and killing him is Kufr (disbelief)." Narrated 'Ubada bin As-Samit: "Allah's Apostle went out to inform the people about the (date of the) night of decree (Al-Qadr) but there happened a quarrel between two Muslim men. The Prophet said, "I came out to inform you about (the date of) the night of Al-Qadr, but as so and so and so and so quarrelled, its knowledge was taken away
(I forgot it) and maybe it was better for you. Now look for it in the 7th, the 9th and the 5th (of the last 10 nights of the month of Ramadan)."
Pus better than poetry
Abu Sa`id Khudri reported: We were going with Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him). As we reached the place (known as) Arj there met (us) a poet who had been reciting poetry. Thereupon Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) said: Catch the satan or detain the satan, for filling the belly of a man with pus is better than stuffing his brain with poetry.
Spit on the left for protection against bad dreams
Narrated Abu Qatada: The Prophet said, "A good dream that comes true is from Allah, and a bad dream is from Satan, so if anyone of you sees a bad dream, he should seek refuge with Allah from Satan and should spit on the left, for the bad dream will not harm him."
Narrated Abu Huraira: "A bedouin came to Allah's Apostle and said, "My wife has delivered a black child." The Prophet said to him, "Have you camels?" He replied, "Yes." The Prophet said, "What color are they?" He replied, "They are red." The Prophet further asked, "Are any of them gray in color?" He replied, "Yes." The Prophet asked him, "Whence did that grayness come?" He said, "I think it descended from the camel's ancestors." Then the Prophet said (to him), "Therefore, this child of yours has most probably inherited the color from his ancestors."
Death be upon you, too
Narrated 'Abdullah bin 'Umar:
Allah's Apostle said, "When the Jews greet you, they usually say, 'As-Samu 'alaikum (Death be on you),' so you should say (in reply to them), 'Wa'alaikum (And on you)."
Narrated Abu Huraira: Allah's Apostle said, "The Hour will not be established till the buttocks of the women of the tribe of Daus move while going round Dhi-al-Khalasa." Dhi-al-Khalasa was the idol of the Daus tribe which they used to worship in the Pre Islamic Period of ignorance.
Stating the obvious
Narrated AbuSa'id al-Khudri: I heard the Apostle of Allah (peace be upon him) as saying: The best places to sit are those which provide most room.
The almighty wind
Whenever a strong wind blew, anxiety appeared on the face of the Prophet (fearing that wind might be a sign of Allah's wrath).
Could someone please lick my hands? Thank you
Narrated Ibn 'Abbas: The Prophet said, 'When you eat, do not wipe your hands till you have licked it, or had it licked by somebody else
The art of dealing with a fart
Narrated Ali ibn Talq: The Apostle of Allah (peace be upon him) said: When any of you breaks wind during the prayer, he should turn away and perform ablution and repeat the prayer.
Narrated 'Abbas bin Tamim: My uncle asked Allah's Apostle about a person who imagined to have passed wind during the prayer. Allah' Apostle replied: "He should not leave his prayers unless he hears sound or smells something."
Narrated Abu Huraira: The Prophet said, "Allah does not accept prayer of anyone of you if he does Hadath (passes wind) till he performs the ablution (anew)."
Narrated 'Abdullah bin Zam'a: The Prophet forbade laughing at a person who passes wind.
And Allah taught Adam all the names as follows: He taught him the name of everything, down to fart and little fart.
Tabari I 267
Hey Muhammad, need a beer?
Narrated Abu Huraira:
Allah's Apostle was presented a bowl of milk and a bowl of wine on the night he was taken on a journey (Al-Mi'raj).
Also see: Muhammad Drank and Performed Ablution with Wine
Allah curses tatooed women
Narrated Ibn Mas'ud:
Allah has cursed those women who practise tattooing or get it done for themselves, and those who remove hair from their faces, and those who create spaces between their teeth artificially to look beautiful, such ladies as change the features created by Allah. Why then shall I not curse those whom Allah's Apostle has cursed and who are cursed in Allah's Book too?
Angel Gabriel said hello
Narrated 'Aisha: that the Prophet said to her, "Gabriel sends Salam (greetings) to you." She replied, "Wa 'alaihi-s-Salam Wa Rahmatu-l-lah." (Peace and Allah's Mercy be on him).
Note: Did he use voicemail or SMS?
Dye your hair because Jews and Christians don't
Narrated Abu Huraira :
The Prophet said, "Jews and Christians do not dye their hair so you should do the opposite of what they do.
Comment: What if they use soap and brush their teeth?
Izar dragging causes endless descent
Narrated 'Abdullah bin 'Umar:
Allah's Apostle said, "While a man was dragging his Izar on the ground (behind him), suddenly Allah made him sink into the earth and he will go on sinking into it till the Day of Resurrection."
Narrated Abu Huraira:
The Prophet said, "The young should greet the old, the passer by should greet the sitting one, and the small group of persons should greet the large group of persons. "
Comment: Who says hello first if a small group of elders meets a larger group of younger people?
Well hello, hello, hello
Whenever Allah's Apostle greeted somebody, he used to greet him three times, and if he spoke a sentence, he used to repeat it thrice.
Poke the Peeping Tom
A man peeped into one of the dwelling places of the Prophet. The Prophet got up and aimed a sharp-edged arrow head (or wooden stick) at him to poke him stealthily.
Narrated Abu Huraira:
Abul Qasim said, "If any person peeps at you without your permission and you poke him with a stick and injure his eye, you will not be blamed."
The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) said:
(1) "Were a man to look at you without permission and you threw a rock at him and knocked out his eye, you would not have committed any offense. "
(2) "Whoever peeps into a house without its people's leave, they may put out his eye."
Allah prefers odd numbers
Narrated Abu Huraira:
Allah has ninety-nine Names, i.e., one hundred minus one, and whoever believes in their meanings and acts accordingly, will enter Paradise; and Allah is Witr (one) and loves 'the Witr' (i.e., odd numbers).
Narrated Abu Huraira:
Allah's Apostle said, "On the Day of Resurrection, a huge fat man will come who will not weigh, the weight of the wing of a mosquito in Allah's Sight." and then the Prophet added, 'We shall not give them any weight on the Day of Resurrection'
Searching for the meaning in life... and 3 stones
The Prophet went out to answer the call of nature and asked me to bring three stones. I found two stones and searched for the third but could not find it. So I took a dried piece of dung and brought it to him. He took the two stones and threw away the dung and said, "This is a filthy thing."
A Tree which is 25.5 million miles wide
Narrated Sahl bin Sa'd:
Allah's Apostle said, "In Paradise there is a tree so big that in its shade a rider may travel for one hundred years without being able to cross it."
Note: Considering the average speed of a galloping horse can be around 30 miles/hour and the Islamic year has 355 days, this means the tree is 25,560,000 miles wide (25.5 million miles). This is about half the distance from the planet Earth to Mars.
Economical dry-cleaning in tough times
Yahya related to me from Malik from Muhammad ibn Umara from Muhammad ibn Ibrahim that the mother of the son of Ibrahim ibn Abd ar-Rahman ibn Awf questioned Umm Salama, the wife of the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, and said, "I am a woman who wears a long skirt and
(sometimes) I walk in dirty places
." Umm Salama replied, "The Messenger of Allah
, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said
, 'What follows (i.e. clean places) purifies it.'
Annoying in-laws, a universal phenomenon
Narrated 'Uqba bin 'Amir:
Allah's Apostle said, "Beware of entering upon the ladies." A man from the Ansar said, "Allah's Apostle! What about Al-Hamu the in-laws of the wife (the brothers of her husband or his nephews etc.)?" The Prophet replied: The in-laws of the wife are death itself
And there are people who compare this guy with Buddha.
Genies like bones and animal dung
Narrated Abu Huraira:
That once he was in the, company of the Prophet carrying a water pot for his ablution and for cleaning his private parts. While he was following him carrying it(i.e. the pot), the Prophet said, "Who is this?" He said, "I am Abu Huraira." The Prophet said, "Bring me stones in order to clean my private parts, and do not bring any bones or animal dung." Abu Huraira went on narrating: So I brought some stones, carrying them in the corner of my robe till I put them by his side and went away.
When he finished, I walked with him and asked, "What about the bone and the animal dung?" He said, "They are of the food of Jinns. The delegate of Jinns of (the city of) Nasibin came to me--and how nice those Jinns were--and asked me for the remains of the human food.
I invoked Allah for them that they would never pass by a bone or animal dung but find food on them."
Incantations while having sex
Narrated Ibn 'Abbas:
The Prophet said, "If anyone of you, when having sexual relation with his wife, say:'In the name of Allah. O Allah! Protect us from Satan and prevent Satan from approaching our offspring you are going to give us,' and if he begets a child (as a result of that relation) Satan will not harm it."
Cover all your bases
Narrated 'Amr bin Salama:
We were at a place which was a thoroughfare for the people, and the caravans used to pass by us and we would ask them, "What is wrong with the people? What is wrong with the people? Who is that man?. They would say, "That man claims that Allah has sent him (as an Apostle), that he has been divinely inspired, that Allah has revealed to him such-and-such." I used to memorize that (Divine) Talk, and feel as if it was inculcated in my chest (i.e. mind) And the 'Arabs (other than Quraish) delayed their conversion to Islam till the Conquest (of Mecca).
They used to say." "Leave him (i.e. Muhammad) and his people Quraish: if he overpowers them then he is a true Prophet. So, when Mecca was conquered, then every tribe rushed to embrace Islam, and my father hurried to embrace Islam before (the other members of) my tribe. When my father returned (from the Prophet) to his tribe, he said, "By Allah, I have come to you from the Prophet for sure!" The Prophet afterwards said to them, 'Offer such-and-such prayer at such-and-such time, and when the time for the prayer becomes due, then one of you should pronounce the Adhan (for the prayer), and let the one amongst you who knows Qur'an most should, lead the prayer."
So they looked for such a person and found none who knew more Qur'an than I because of the Quranic material which I used to learn from the caravans. They therefore made me their Imam ((to lead the prayer) and at that time I was a boy of six or seven years, wearing a Burda (i.e. a black square garment) proved to be very short for me (and my body became partly naked). A lady from the tribe said, "Won't you cover the anus of your reciter for us?"
So they bought (a piece of cloth) and made a shirt for me. I had never been so happy with anything before as I was with that shirt.
Narrated Sahl bin Sad
The people used to offer the prayer with the Prophet with their waist-sheets tied round their necks because of the shortness of the sheets and the women were ordered not to lift their heads till the men had sat straight.
Devils on a leash
Narrated Abu Huraira:
Allah's Apostle said, "When the month of Ramadan comes, the gates of Paradise are opened and the gates of the (Hell) Fire are closed, and the devils are chained."
Allah's advice to his prophets
Narrated Abu Huraira:
Allah's Apostle said, "Once while a prophet amongst the prophets was taking a rest underneath a tree, an ant bit him. He, therefore, ordered that his luggage be taken away from underneath that tree and then ordered that the dwelling place of the ants should be set on fire. Allah sent him a revelation:-- "Wouldn't it have been sufficient to burn a single ant?"
Prostitutes can stay out of Hell by helping a thirsty dog
Narrated Abu Huraira:
Allah's Apostle said, "A prostitute was forgiven by Allah, because, passing by a panting dog near a well and seeing that the dog was about to die of thirst, she took off her shoe, and tying it with her head-cover she drew out some water for it. So, Allah forgave her because of that."
Bodyguard job: Females need not apply
Narrated Abu Musa: Thy Prophet (p.b.u.h) said, "A time will come upon the people when a person will wander about with gold as Zakat and will not find anybody to accept it, and one man will be seen followed by forty women
to be their guardian because of scarcity of men and great number of women".
Looking at genitals or talking during intercourse may cause disabilities for child
Narrated by Abi Hurairah that the prophet PBUH said: If one of you got engaged in intercourse, they shouldn't look at the genital for that inherits blindness, and not talk too much for that inherits aphonia
(lack of the ability to talk).
Hadith translated by FFI forum member
Say "Allah willing" during intercourse to give birth to Islamic militants
Narrated Abu Huraira:
Allah's Apostle said, "Once Solomon, son of David said, '(By Allah) Tonight I will have sexual intercourse with one hundred (or ninety-nine) women each of whom will give birth to a knight who will fight in Allah's Cause.' On that a (i.e. if Allah wills) but he did not say, Allah willing.' Therefore only one of those women conceived and gave birth to a half-man. By Him in Whose Hands Muhammad's life is, if he had said, "Allah willing', (he would have begotten sons) all of whom would have been knights striving in Allah's Cause."
Dirty teeth can invalidate a fast
Swallowing bits of food that may be left between the teeth is regarded as eating, so it invalidates
Ibn Qudaamah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said in al-Mughni, 3/260:
If a person has food between his teeth, one of the following two scenarios must apply:
1 – It is a small amount that he cannot spit out, so he swallows it. This does not invalidate his fast, because it cannot be avoided. It is like saliva. Ibn al-Mundhir said: The scholars are unanimously agreed on that.
2 – It is a large amount and he can spit it out. If he spits it out there is no sin on him, but if he swallows it deliberately, his fast is invalidated according to the majority of scholars, because he has swallowed food that he could have spat out willingly when he is mindful of his fast. So this breaks the fast just as if he deliberately started eating. End quote.
"This Muhammad of yours is a dwarf and fat"
AbdusSalam ibn AbuHazim AbuTalut said: I saw AbuBarzah who came to visit Ubaydullah ibn Ziyad. Then a man named Muslim who was there in the company mentioned it to me.
When Ubaydullah saw him, he said: This Muhammad of yours is a dwarf and fat. The old man (i.e. AbuBarzah) understood it.
So he said: I did not think that I should remain among people who would make me feel ashamed of the company of Muhammad (peace be upon him).
Thereupon Ubaydullah said: The company of Muhammad (peace be upon him) is a honour for you, not a disgrace. He added: I called for you to ask about the reservoir. Did you hear the Apostle of Allah (peace be upon him) mentioning anything about it? AbuBarzah said: Yes, not once, twice, thrice, four times or five times. If anyone believes it, may Allah not supply him with water from it. He then went away angrily.
The fact that the old man AbuBarzah 'understood it' implies that Ubaydullah's description of Muhammad as a fat dwarf was accurate.
Watermelons and cucumbers
"If a man makes a hole in a watermelon, or a piece of dough, or a leather skin, or a statue, and has sex with it, then this is the same as what we have said about other types of masturbation [i.e., that it is halaal in the same circumstances given before, such as being on a journey]. In fact, it is easier than masturbating with one's hand".
"If a woman does not have a husband, and her lust becomes strong, then some of our scholars say: It is permissible for the woman to take an akranbij, which is a piece of leather worked until it becomes shaped like a penis, and insert it in herself. She may also use a cucumber".
Bada'i al-Fuwa'id of Ibn Qayyim
(Islamic scholar), page 129
A Muslim Shia website notes: "Maybe this is another reason why 'Umar the Khalifa never went on jihad: somebody had to stay behind and organize the cucumber distribution."
Companions of Muhammad masturbated during Jihad
"If a man is torn between continued desire or releasing it, and if this man does not have a wife or he has a slave-girl but he does not marry, then if a man is overwhelmed by desire, and he fears that he will suffer because of this (someone like a prisoner, or a traveller, or a pauper), then it is permissible for him to masturbate, and Ahmad (ibn Hanbal) is explicit on this. Furthermore, it is narrated that the Companions of the Prophet (s) used to masturbate while they were on military expeditions or travelling
Bada'i al-Fuwa'id of Ibn Qayyim
(Islamic scholar), page 129
Don't flash Allah
Narrated Abu Huraira:
The Prophet had forbidden: (A) the Mulamasa and Munabadha (bargains), (B) the offering of two prayers, one after the morning compulsory prayer till the sun rises, and the others, after the 'Asr prayer till the sun sets (C) He also forbade that one should sit wearing one garment, nothing of which covers his private parts (D) and prevent them from exposure to the sky;
(E) he also forbade Ishtimal-as-Samma'.
Doodling is a sin!
The scholars of the Standing Committee for Issuing Fatwas said:
Whatever is images of animate beings such as insects and other living beings is not permissible, even if it is drawn on a blackboard or on paper, and even if the purpose of it is to help in teaching, because it is not essential and because of the general meaning of the evidence concerning that. (Fataawa al-Lajnah al-Daa’imah, 1/685)
What is prohibited is making images of animate beings, whether that is engraving or painting on walls or fabric or paper or woven cloth, and whether it is done with a feather or a pen or other equipment, whether the thing is drawn as it is or whether some imaginary element is introduced, so it is made smaller or larger or more beautiful or more ugly, or it is drawn as a stick figure. (Fataawa al-Lajnah al-Daa’imah, 1/696)
Shaykh Muhammad ibn Ibraaheem (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
One of the most serious of evils is making images of animate beings and keeping them and using them. There is no difference between that which is three dimensional and that which is on paper, whether it is produced by machines or otherwise. This meaning was mentioned by al-Nawawi in Sharh Saheeh Muslim, and he mentioned that it is the view of the four imams. The hadeeths which emphatically warned against that are well known. (Fataawa Rasaa’il Muhammad ibn Ibraaheem, 13/173)
Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen said:
Making images of animate beings, whether they are human or otherwise, is undoubtedly haraam and is a major sin, because it is proven that the one who does that is cursed by the Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him). This is clear, whether they are three-dimensional or drawn by hand.
(Majmoo’ Fataawa wa Rasaa’il Ibn ‘Uthaymeen 2/288)
Animals and living things
Muttaqi (God-fearing) monkeys
See a video of a cleric talking about this event here.
Narrated 'Amr bin Maimun: During the pre-lslamic period of ignorance I saw a she-monkey surrounded by a number of monkeys. They were all stoning it, because it had committed illegal sexual intercourse. I too, stoned it along with them.
According to `Amr b. Maymûn : I was in Yemen. Amongst the female goats of my people, I saw that at a heightened place, a male monkey brought along a female monkey and slept while keeping her hand beneath his head. During this time, a young monkey came and signaled the female monkey. She softly removed her hand from beneath the male monkey's head and went with the young monkey. She fornicated with him and I was watching it. After that, the female monkey returned and was softly trying to put her hand back under the male monkey's head that he woke up bewildered and smelled her and then screamed.
All the monkeys gathered thereafter. He would point towards her and scream constantly (i.e. she has committed adultery). At last the other monkeys went towards the right left and brought along that young monkey whom I recognized. They dug a hole for this young monkey and the female one and stoned them to death. So I saw monkeys stoning to death too besides the human race.
Taiseer-ul-Baari, volume 2, Page 626
This is consistent with the Qur'an in its claim that Jews (who at one time practiced stoning) were turned into apes:
"And you know well the story of those among you who broke Sabbath. We said to them: "Be apes—despised and hated by all. Thus We made their end a warning to the people of their time and succeeding generation, and an admonition for God-fearing people."
Unpaid debt to turn into talking snake on Judgement Day
Narrated Abu Huraira: Allah's Apostle said, "On the Day of Resurrection the Kanz (Treasure or wealth of which, Zakat has not been paid) of anyone of you will appear in the shape of a huge bald-headed poisonous male snake and its owner will run away from it, but it will follow him and say, 'I am your Kanz.'" The Prophet added, "By Allah, that snake will keep on following him until he stretches out his hand and let the snake swallow it." Allah's Apostle added, "If the owner of camels does not pay their Zakat, then, on the Day of Resurrection those camels will come to him and will strike his face with their hooves."
Monkeys and pigs are humans who once played music
Narrated Abu 'Amir or Abu Malik Al-Ash'ari:
that he heard the Prophet saying, "From among my followers there will be some people who will consider illegal sexual intercourse, the wearing of silk, the drinking of alcoholic drinks and the use of musical instruments, as lawful. And there will be some people who will stay near the side of a mountain and in the evening their shepherd will come to them with their sheep and ask them for something, but they will say to him, 'Return to us tomorrow.' Allah will destroy them during the night and will let the mountain fall on them, and He will transform the rest of them into monkeys and pigs and they will remain so till the Day of Resurrection."
Zoophilia pardonable but not homosexuality
Sunan Abu Dawud 38:4448 prescribes the death sentence for an unmarried man who commits sodomy but there is no prescribed punishment for having sex with an animal:
Narrated Abdullah ibn Abbas:
There is no prescribed punishment for one who has sexual intercourse with an animal.
Sheeps prefer female babies
Narrated Umm Kurz:
I heard the Prophet (may peace be upon him) say: Let the birds stay in their roosts. She said: I also heard him say: Two sheep are to be sacrificed for a boy and one for a girl, but it does you no harm whether they are male or female.
Have flu? Try fresh camel urine
The climate of Medina did not suit some people, so the Prophet ordered them to follow his shepherd, i.e. his camels, and drink their milk and urine (as a medicine). So they followed the shepherd that is the camels and drank their milk and urine till their bodies became healthy.
Women can woof too
Narrated 'Aisha: The things which annul the prayers were mentioned before me. They said, "Prayer is annulled by a dog, a donkey and a woman (if they pass in front of the praying people)." I said, "You have made us (i.e. women) dogs... "
Goat ate my Qur'an
'Aisha: "The verse of the stoning and of suckling an adult ten times were revealed, and they were (written) on a paper and kept under my bed. When the messenger of Allah expired and we were preoccupied with his death, a goat entered and ate away the paper."
Musnad Ahmad bin Hanbal. vol. 6, p. 269; Sunan Ibn Majah, p. 626; Ibn Qutbah, Tawil Mukhtalafi 'l-Hadith (Cairo: Maktaba al-Kulliyat al-Azhariyya. 1966) p. 310; As-Suyuti, ad-Durru 'l-Manthur, vol. 2, p. 13
Holy cocks and devil donkeys
Narrated Abu Huraira: The Prophet said, "When you hear the crowing of cocks, ask for Allah's Blessings for (their crowing indicates that) they have seen an angel. And when you hear the braying of donkeys, seek Refuge with Allah from satan for (their braying indicates) that they have seen a satan."
The speaking cow
Narrated Abu Huraira:
Once Allah's Apostle; offered the morning prayer and then faced the people and said, "While a man was driving a cow, he suddenly rode over it and beat it. The cow said, "We have not been created for this, but we have been created for sloughing." On that the people said astonishingly, "Glorified be Allah! A cow speaks!" The Prophet said, "I believe this, and Abu Bakr and 'Umar too, believe it, although neither of them was present there. While a person was amongst his sheep, a wolf attacked and took one of the sheep. The man chased the wolf till he saved it from the wolf, where upon the wolf said, 'You have saved it from me; but who will guard it on the day of the wild beasts when there will be no shepherd to guard them except me (because of riots and afflictions)? ' " The people said surprisingly, "Glorified be Allah! A wolf speaks!" The Prophet said, "But I believe this, and Abu Bakr and 'Umar too, believe this, although neither of them was present there."
More horse dung and urine equals more heavenly rewards
Narrated Abu Huraira:
The Prophet said, "If somebody keeps a horse in Allah's Cause motivated by his faith in Allah and his belief in His Promise, then he will be rewarded on the Day of Resurrection for what the horse has eaten or drunk and for its dung and urine."
Lost camels can be returned to their owners but not sheep
Narrated Zaid bin Khalid Al-Juhani
A man asked the Prophet about the picking up of a "Luqata" (fallen lost thing). The Prophet replied, "Recognize and remember its tying material and its container, and make public announcement (about it) for one year, then utilize it but give it to its owner if he comes." Then the person asked about the lost camel. On that, the Prophet got angry and his cheeks or his Face became red and he said, "You have no concern with it as it has its water container, and its feet and it will reach water, and eat (the leaves) of trees till its owner finds it." The man then asked about the lost sheep. The Prophet replied, "It is either for you, for your brother (another person) or for the wolf.
A house may be set on fire by a mouse
This hadith has been reported on the authority of Jabir through another chain of transmitters but with a slight variation of words:” The mouse may set the house on fire over its inhabitants
Yahya related to me from Malik from Abu’z-Zubayr al-Makki from Jabir ibn Abdullah that the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, “Lock the door, tie the waterskin, turn the vessel over or cover it, and put out the lamp. Shaytan does not open a locked door or untie a tied knot, or uncover a vessel. A mouse may set fire to people’s houses
Israelites turned into rats
The Prophet said, "A group of Israelites were lost. Nobody knows what they did. But I do not see them except that they were cursed and changed into rats, for if you put the milk of a she-camel in front of a rat, it will not drink it, but if the milk of a sheep is put in front of it, it will drink it." I told this to Ka'b who asked me, "Did you hear it from the Prophet ?" I said, "Yes." Ka'b asked me the same question several times.; I said to Ka'b. "Do I read the Torah? (i.e. I tell you this from the Prophet.)"
Race relations, the Islamic way
The Prophet said, "Listen and obey (your chief) even if an Ethiopian whose head is like a raisin were made your chief."
In a dream, Satan cannot imitate the Prophet
The Prophet said, "Whoever has seen me in a dream, then no doubt, he has seen me, for Satan cannot imitate my shape.
Don't be late, the angels are watching
Narrated Abu Huraira:
The Prophet said, "On every Friday the angels take heir stand at every gate of the mosques to write the names of the people chronologically (i.e. according to the time of their arrival for the Friday prayer and when the Imam sits (on the pulpit) they fold up their scrolls and get ready to listen to the sermon."
Allah wants to see you...naked
Narrated Ibn Abbas:
The Prophet said, "You will meet Allah barefooted, naked, walking on feet, and uncircumcised."
People are just like camels
Narrated 'Abdullah bin 'Umar:
I heard Allah's Apostle saying, "People are just like camels, out of one hundred, one can hardly find a single camel suitable to ride."
Flag fixed behind the buttocks
It is narrated on the authority of Abu Sa'id that the Messenger of Allah (may peace be upon him) said: On the Day of Judgment there will be a flag fixed behind the buttocks
of every person guilty of the breach of faith.
Satan ties three knots at back of our head while we sleep
Narrated Abu Huraira: Allah's Apostle said, "During your sleep, Satan knots three knots at the back of the head of each of you, and he breathes the following words at each knot, 'The night is, long, so keep on sleeping,' If that person wakes up and celebrates the praises of Allah, then one knot is undone, and when he performs ablution the second knot is undone, and when he prays, all the knots are undone, and he gets up in the morning lively and gay, otherwise he gets up dull and gloomy. "
Satan urinated in my ears
Narrated 'Abdullah : A person was mentioned before the Prophet (p.b.u.h) and he was told that he had kept on sleeping till morning and had not got up for the prayer. The Prophet said, "Satan urinated in his ears."
Devil sleeps in our what?
Abu Huraira reported: The Apostle of Allah (may peace be upon him) said. When any one of you awakes up from sleep and performs ablution, he must clean his nose three times, for the devil spends the night in the interior of his nose.
Satan tries to interrupt Muhammad
Narrated Abu Huraira:
The Prophet offered a prayer, and (after finishing) he said, "Satan came in front of me trying persistently to divert my attention from the prayer, but Allah gave me the strength to over-power him."
Satan gets unlimited hospital passes
Narrated Abu Huraira:
The Prophet said, "When any human being is born. Satan touches him at both sides of the body with his two fingers, except Jesus, the son of Mary, whom Satan tried to touch but failed, for he touched the placenta-cover instead."
Satan LOL's at yawning
Narrated Abu Huraira:
The Prophet said, "Yawning is from Satan and if anyone of you yawns, he should check his yawning as much as possible, for if anyone of you (during the act of yawning) should say: 'Ha', Satan will laugh at him."
Man talks to Satan for 3 nights and Satan steals his food
Narrated Abu Huraira
Allah's Apostle deputed me to keep Sadaqat (al-Fitr) of Ramadan. A comer came and started taking handfuls of the foodstuff (of the Sadaqa) (stealthily). I took hold of him and said, "By Allah, I will take you to Allah's Apostle ." He said, "I am needy and have many dependents, and I am in great need." I released him, and in the morning Allah's Apostle asked me, "What did your prisoner do yesterday?" I said, "O Allah's Apostle! The person complained of being needy and of having many dependents, so, I pitied him and let him go." Allah's Apostle said, "Indeed, he told you a lie and he will be coming again." I believed that he would show up again as Allah's Apostle had told me that he would return. So, I waited for him watchfully. When he (showed up and) started stealing handfuls of foodstuff, I caught hold of him again and said, "I will definitely take you to Allah's Apostle. He said, "Leave me, for I am very needy and have many dependents. I promise I will not come back again." I pitied him and let him go.
In the morning Allah's Apostle asked me, "What did your prisoner do." I replied, "O Allah's Apostle! He complained of his great need and of too many dependents, so I took pity on him and set him free." Allah's Apostle said, "Verily, he told you a lie and he will return." I waited for him attentively for the third time, and when he (came and) started stealing handfuls of the foodstuff
, I caught hold of him and said, "I will surely take you to Allah's Apostle as it is the third time you promise not to return, yet you break your promise and come." He said, "(Forgive me and) I will teach you some words with which Allah will benefit you." I asked, "What are they?" He replied, "Whenever you go to bed, recite "Ayat-al-Kursi"-- 'Allahu la ilaha illa huwa-l-Haiy-ul Qaiyum' till you finish the whole verse. (If you do so), Allah will appoint a guard for you who will stay with you and no satan will come near you till morning. " So, I released him. In the morning, Allah's Apostle asked, "What did your prisoner do yesterday?" I replied, "He claimed that he would teach me some words by which Allah will benefit me, so I let him go." Allah's Apostle asked, "What are they?" I replied, "He said to me, 'Whenever you go to bed, recite Ayat-al-Kursi from the beginning to the end ---- Allahu la ilaha illa huwa-lHaiy-ul-Qaiyum----.' He further said to me, '(If you do so), Allah will appoint a guard for you
who will stay with you, and no satan will come near you till morning.' (Abu Huraira or another sub-narrator) added that they (the companions) were very keen to do good deeds. The Prophet said, "He really spoke the truth, although he is an absolute liar. Do you know whom you were talking to, these three nights, O Abu Huraira?" Abu Huraira said, "No." He said, "It was Satan."
Satan farts to the sound of the Adhan
Narrated Abu Huraira:
Allah's Apostle said, "When the Adhan is pronounced Satan takes to his heels and passes wind with noise during his flight in order not to hear the Adhan. When the Adhan is completed he comes back and again takes to his heels when the Iqama is pronounced and after its completion he returns again till he whispers into the heart of the person (to divert his attention from his prayer) and makes him remember things which he does not recall to his mind before the prayer and that causes him to forget how much he has prayed."
Babies cry at birth because Satan touches them
Narrated Abu Huraira:
The Prophet said, “When any human being is born. Satan touches him at both sides of the body with his two fingers
, except Jesus, the son of Mary, whom Satan tried to touch but failed, for he touched the placenta-cover instead.”
Narrated Said bin Al-Musaiyab: Abu Huraira said, “I heard Allah’s Apostle saying, ‘There is none born among the off-spring of Adam, but Satan touches it. A child therefore, cries loudly at the time of birth because of the touch of Satan
, except Mary and her child.” Then Abu Huraira recited: “And I seek refuge with You for her and for her offspring from the outcast Satan.” (3.36)
Eat with the right hand because Satan eats with the left
Yahya related to me from Malik from Ibn Shihab from Abu Bakr ibn Ubaydullah ibn Abdullah ibn Umar from Abdullah ibn Umar that the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "When you eat, eat with your right hand and drink with your right hand. Shaytan eats with his left hand and drinks with his left hand."
Whenever the Prophet went to answer the call of nature, he used to say, "Allah-umma inni a'udhu bika minal khubuthi wal khaba'ith i.e. O Allah, I seek Refuge with You from all offensive and wicked things (evil deeds and evil spirits)."
Islamic Heaven: "appetizing vaginas" and "ever-erect" penises
Abu Umama narrated: "The Messenger of God said, 'Everyone that God admits into paradise will be married to 72 wives; two of them are houris and seventy of his inheritance of the [female] dwellers of hell. All of them will have libidinous sex organs and he will have an ever-erect penis
Sunan Ibn Maja, Zuhd (Book of Abstinence) 39
"Each time we sleep with a Houri we find her virgin. Besides, the penis of the Elected never softens. The erection is eternal; the sensation that you feel each time you make love is utterly delicious and out of this world and were you to experience it in this world you would faint. Each chosen one [i.e. Muslim] will marry seventy [sic] houris, besides the women he married on earth, and all will have appetizing vaginas
Al-Itqan fi Ulum al-Qur'an, p. 351
Allah punishes Muhammad for Safiyah's capture by making him fall off a camel
Safiyah bint Huyay was a woman that Muhammad captured and married, after killing her husband.
Narrated Anas bin Malik: We were in the company of the Prophet while returning from 'Usfan, and Allah's Apostle was riding his she−camel keeping Safiya bint Huyay riding behind him. His she−camel slipped and both of them fell down.
Abu Talha jumped from his camel and said, "O Allah's Apostle! May Allah sacrifice me for you." The Prophet said, "Take care of the lady." So, Abu Talha covered his face with a garment and went to Safiya and covered her with it, and then he set right the condition of their shecamel so that both of them rode, and we were encircling Allah's Apostle like a cover. When we approached Medina, the Prophet said, "We are returning with repentance and worshipping and praising our Lord." He kept on saying this till he entered Medina.
Tortured in the grave for peeing on himself
Narrated Ibn 'Abbas:
Once the Prophet, while passing through one of the grave-yards of Medina or Mecca heard the voices of two persons who were being tortured in their graves
. The Prophet said, "These two persons are being tortured not for a major sin (to avoid)." The Prophet then added, "Yes! (they are being tortured for a major sin). Indeed, one of them never saved himself from being soiled with his urine
while the other used to go about with calumnies (to make enmity between friends). The Prophet then asked for a green leaf of a date-palm tree, broke it into two pieces and put one on each grave. On being asked why he had done so, he replied, "I hope that their torture might be lessened, till these get dried."
Faeces radiates towards Allah
Narrated Abu Aiyub Al-Ansari:
Allah's Apostle said, "If anyone of you goes to an open space for answering the call of nature he should neither face nor turn his back towards the Qibla; he should either face the east or the west
Black dogs are devils
Abu Dharr reported: The Messenger of 'Allah (may peace be upon him) said: When any one of you stands for prayer and there is a thing before him equal to the back of the saddle that covers him and in case there is not before him (a thing) equal to the back of the saddle, his prayer would be cut off by (passing of an) ass, woman, and black Dog. I said: O Abu Dharr, what feature is there in a black dog which distinguish it from the red dog and the yellow dog? He said: O, son of my brother, I asked the Messenger of Allah (may peace be upon him) as you are asking me, and he said: The black dog is a devil
Playing chess is evil
Buraida reported on the authority of his father that Allah's Apostle (may peace be upon him) said: He who played chess is like one who dyed his hand with the flesh and blood of swine.
Aminah and her vagina light
According to accepted sirat, Muhammad's mother had light coming out of her vagina when giving birth to him.
When the prophet came out of his mothers vagina, the light covered the east and the west which reached all the way to Sham (Syria today)
sirat ibn hisham 166
Free a Muslim slave, and save your private parts
Narrated Abu Huraira:
The Prophet said, "If somebody manumits a Muslim slave, Allah will save from the Fire every part of his body for freeing the corresponding parts of the slave's body, even his private parts will be saved from the Fire) because of freeing the slave's private parts."
Don't ever raise your head
The sin of raising your head before the imam is so great, your face will transform into a donkey.
Narrated Abu Huraira: The Prophet said, "Isn't he who raises his head before the Imam afraid that Allah may transform his head into that of a donkey or his figure (face) into that of a donkey?"
He pees like a woman
Narrated Amr ibn al-'As:
AbdurRahman ibn Hasanah reported: I and Amr ibn al-'As went to the Prophet (peace be upon him). He came out with a leather shield (in his hand). He covered himself with it and urinated. Then we said: Look at him. He is urinating as a woman does. The Prophet (peace be upon him), heard this and said: Do you not know what befell a person from amongst Banu Isra'il (the children of Israel)? When urine fell on them, they would cut off the place where the urine fell; but he (that person) forbade them (to do so), and was punished in his grave.
If you disagree with the Qur'an you should go hang yourself
Whoso is wont to think (through envy) that Allah will not give him (Muhammad) victory in the world and the Hereafter (and is enraged at the thought of his victory), let him stretch a rope up to the roof (of his dwelling), and let him hang himself. Then let him see whether his strategy dispelleth that whereat he rageth!.
Drunk water while standing up? Puke it out!
Abu Huraira reported Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) as saying: None of you should drink while standing; and if anyone forgets, he must vomit.
Two things the Prophet loves: perfume and women
Al-Hasan al-Basri wrote: “The Messenger of God said, “The only two things I cherish of the life of this world are women and perfume.
Ibn Sa'd's Kitab Tabaqat Al-Kubra, Volume 1, Page 380
Aisha said “The Prophet of God liked three things of this world: Perfume, women, and food; he had the [first] two, but missed food.”
Ibn Sa'd's Kitab Tabaqat Al-Kubra, Volume 1, Page 380
Looking up during prayer may cause blindness
Jabir b. Samura reported: The Messenger of Allah (may peace be upon him) said: The people who lift their eyes towards the sky in Prayer should avoid it or they would lose their eyesight.
Abu Huraira reported: People should avoid lifting their eyes towards the sky while supplicating in prayer, otherwise their eyes would be snatched away.
Narrated Abu Huraira: The Prophet said, "Whoever purposely throws himself from a mountain and kills himself, will be in the (Hell) Fire falling down into it and abiding therein perpetually forever; and whoever drinks poison and kills himself with it, he will be carrying his poison in his hand and drinking it in the (Hell) Fire wherein he will abide eternally forever; and whoever kills himself with an iron weapon, will be carrying that weapon in his hand and stabbing his abdomen with it in the (Hell) Fire wherein he will abide eternally forever."
Note: What if the poison is delicious?
Masturbation leads to a pregnant hand and too much sex leads to death
15. Harm No. 14: Leads to Masturbation
. . .
Just as it is unlawful and forbidden to commit sexual intercourse with a strange man or woman, it is likewise forbidden to masturbate.
Unfortunately, this sin has become widespread in this day and age. In some narrations of Hadith there are severe warnings against this sin. It has been mentioned that the person who masturbates shall be resurrected on the Day of Judgment with a pregnant hand. It has also been mentioned that the ناکح الید (the one who masturbates) is under the curse of Allah. Fulfilling one's sexual desires in an unlawful manner is obviously impermissible. But one should also be cautious of excessive permissible sex. Too much sexual intercourse spoils the health and drains one's strength.
Spiritually, one does not get enjoyment in worship and Zikr. If also causes the child to be born weak and frail. It is for this very reason that the Buzurgs have advised to preserve the semen. After 15 to 30 days when there is a strong urge to have sex, only then should one fulfill one's desire. The lion copulates once a year and from that it breeds offspring.
Similarly, those people who have intercourse after long intervals of time produce strong and healthy children. Therefore, moderation is necessary in sexual relations with one's wife, otherwise excessive sex can even lead to death.
My Shaikh, Hazrat Phoulpoori
(رحمۃ اللہ علیہ) narrated to us the incident of an Alim
who had a very beautiful wife. Whenever he would come home from running errands and would see his wife, then he would not be able to control himself. He used have so much sexual relations that after six months, instead of discharging semen, blood started to ejaculate from his penis
. This eventually led to a severe fever after which he died. Beauty was the cause of his death. This is why I advise to have moderation in permissible things as well. As for the unlawful, then my advice is not to even go near Haraam
. May Allah Ta'ala grant us the ability to practice upon what has been said. Amen
Muhammad the inadvertent trend-setter has a temper tantrum
Narrated Ibn. 'Umar:
Allah's Apostle wore a gold ring or a silver ring and placed its stone towards the palm of his hand and had the name 'Muhammad, the Apostle of Allah' engraved on it. The people also started wearing gold rings like it, but when the Prophet saw them wearing such rings, he threw away his own ring and said. "I will never wear it," and then wore a silver ring, whereupon the people too started wearing silver rings. Ibn Umar added: After the Prophet Abu Bakr wore the ring, and then Umar and then 'Uthman wore it till it fell in the Aris well from 'Uthman. bin 'Umar : Allah's Apostle wore a gold ring, then he threw it and said, "I will never wear it." The people also threw their (gold) rings.
Believers will enter paradise even if they have had illegal sexual intercourse or committed theft
Narrated Abu Dhar:
The Prophet said, "Gabriel said to me, 'Whoever amongst your followers die without having worshipped others besides Allah, will enter Paradise (or will not enter the (Hell) Fire)." The Prophet asked. "Even if he has committed illegal sexual intercourse or theft?" He replied, "Even then."
Prophet's sweat used as perfume
Anas said, "Um Sulaim used to spread a leather sheet for the Prophet and he used to take a midday nap on that leather sheet at her home." Anas added, "When the Prophet had slept, she would take some of his sweat and hair and collect it (the sweat) in a bottle and then mix it with Suk (a kind of perfume) while he was still sleeping. "When the death of Anas bin Malik approached, he advised that some of that Suk be mixed with his Hanut (perfume for embalming the dead body), and it was mixed with his Hanut.
Refusing to die, Moses slaps Angel of Death and damages his eye
Narrated Abu Huraira: The angel of death was sent to Moses and when he went to him, Moses slapped him severely, spoiling one of his eyes. The angel went back to his Lord, and said, "You sent me to a slave who does not want to die.".....
Eat dirty food and lick your fingers clean to starve the devil
Jabir reported: I heard Allah's Apostle (may peace be upon him) as saying: The Satan is present with any one of you in everything he does; he is present even when he eats food; so if any one of you drops a mouthful he should remove away anything filthy on it and eat it and not leave for the devil; and when he finishes (food) he should lick his fingers, for he does not know in what portion of his food the blessing lies.
Muslim women gossip about their husbands
Narrated Aisha: Eleven women sat (at a place) and promised and contracted that they would not conceal anything of the news of their husbands. The first one said, "My husband is like the meat of a lean weak camel which is kept on the top of a mountain which is neither easy to climb, nor is the meat fat, so that one might put up with the trouble of fetching it." The second one said, "I shall not relate my husband's news, for I fear that I may not be able to finish his story, for if I describe him, I will mention all his defects and bad traits." The third one said, "My husband is a tall man; if I describe him (and he hears of that) he will divorce me, and if I keep quiet, he will neither divorce me nor treat me as a wife." The fourth one said, "My husband is a moderate person like the night of Tihama which is neither hot nor cold. I am neither afraid of him, nor am I discontented with him." The fifth one said, "My husband, when entering (the house) is a leopard, and when going out, is a lion. He does not ask about whatever is in the house." The sixth one said, "If my husband eats, he eats too much (leaving the dishes empty), and if he drinks he leaves nothing, and if he sleeps he sleeps alone (away from me) covered in garments and does not stretch his hands here and there so as to know how I fare (get along)." The seventh one said, "My husband is a wrong-doer or weak and foolish. All the defects are present in him. He may injure your head or your body or may do both." The eighth one said, "My husband is soft to touch like a rabbit and smells like a Zarnab (a kind of good smelling grass)." The ninth one said, "My husband is a tall generous man wearing a long strap for carrying his sword. His ashes are abundant and his house is near to the people who would easily consult him." The tenth one said, "My husband is Malik, and what is Malik? Malik is greater than whatever I say about him. (He is beyond and above all praises which can come to my mind). Most of his camels are kept at home (ready to be slaughtered for the guests) and only a few are taken to the pastures. When the camels hear the sound of the lute (or the tambourine) they realize that they are going to be slaughtered for the guests." The eleventh one said, "My husband is Abu Zar and what is Abu Zar (i.e., what should I say about him)? He has given me many ornaments and my ears are heavily loaded with them and my arms have become fat (i.e., I have become fat). And he has pleased me, and I have become so happy that I feel proud of myself. He found me with my family who were mere owners of sheep and living in poverty, and brought me to a respected family having horses and camels and threshing and purifying grain. Whatever I say, he does not rebuke or insult me. When I sleep, I sleep till late in the morning, and when I drink water (or milk), I drink my fill. The mother of Abu Zar and what may one say in praise of the mother of Abu Zar? Her saddle bags were always full of provision and her house was spacious. As for the son of Abu Zar, what may one say of the son of Abu Zar? His bed is as narrow as an unsheathed sword and an arm of a kid (of four months) satisfies his hunger. As for the daughter of Abu Zar, she is obedient to her father and to her mother. She has a fat well-built body and that arouses the jealousy of her husband's other wife. As for the (maid) slave girl of Abu Zar, what may one say of the (maid) slavegirl of Abu Zar? She does not uncover our secrets but keeps them, and does not waste our provisions and does not leave the rubbish scattered everywhere in our house." The eleventh lady added, "One day it so happened that Abu Zar went out at the time when the milk was being milked from the animals, and he saw a woman who had two sons like two leopards playing with her two breasts. (On seeing her) he divorced me and married her. Thereafter I married a noble man who used to ride a fast tireless horse and keep a spear in his hand. He gave me many things, and also a pair of every kind of livestock and said, 'Eat (of this), O Um Zar, and give provision to your relatives." She added, "Yet, all those things which my second husband gave me could not fill the smallest utensil of Abu Zar's." 'Aisha then said: Allah's Apostle said to me, "I am to you as Abu Zar was to his wife Um Zar."
A novel way to identify true Muslims
Narrated Abu Bakr: "Allah's Apostle said: "The sun and the moon are two signs amongst the signs of Allah and they do not eclipse because of the death of someone but Allah frightens His devotees with them."
Going by this hadith, true Muslims are the ones hiding under their beds and trembling when an eclipse happens. All the rest are hypocrites and kuffar.
Can you even make heads or tails out of this?
Narrated Asma', daughter of Yazid ibn as-Sakan: I heard the Messenger of Allah as saying: Do not kill your children secretly, for the milk, with which a child is suckled while his mother is pregnant, overtakes the horseman and throws him from his horse.
Shia: They too deserve their place in this silliness, don't they?
Imam al-Baqir, the fifth Shi'ite Imam, said that he found in the book of Amir ul Mu'mineen ‘Ali that he has said that the Holy Prophet said: "When adultery appears (abundantly in a society), the (number of) sudden deaths increases
; and when there is fraud, Allah takes them in expensiveness and loss. When people stop giving alms tax, the earth holds back its blessings from plants (crops), fruits, mines, and all such things... And, when they do not perform enjoining right and forbidding wrong and also do not follow the chosen ones of my Ahl ul Bayt, Allah will set their vicious ones over them.
Safinat-ul-Bihar, vol. 2, p. 630
Imam al-Sadiq said, "Three things cause weight gain and three others cause weight loss. As for those that cause weight gain, [they are] excessive use of the bathhouse, smelling sweet fragrance and wearing soft clothing. And as for those that cause weight loss, they are: eating too many eggs, fish and unripe dates."
Famous Hadith Narrator accompanies Prophet only to get Free Meals
Abu Hurairah was one of the most famous hadith narrators. In this hadith, he admits that the only reason he followed Muhammad around so much (and hence knew a lot of narrations) was because he was poor, and that if he followed Muhammad he would always be assured of a free meal:
Narrated Abu Huraira: I used to accompany Allah's Apostle to fill my stomach;
and that was when I did not eat baked bread, nor wear silk. Neither a male nor a female slave used to serve me, and I used to bind stones over my belly and ask somebody to recite a Quranic Verse for me though I knew it, so that he might take me to his house and feed me. Ja'far bin Abi Talib was very kind to the poor, and he used to take us and feed us with what ever was available in his house, (and if nothing was available), he used to give us the empty (honey or butter) skin which we would tear and lick whatever was in it.
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