Astarte (former Muslim)

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This is a testimony of a Muslim leaving Islam. It was originally posted at the FFI Forum and has been reproduced here with permission. Views contained in these testimonies are not necessarily endorsed by WikiIslam. See the Testimony Disclaimer for details.
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Current worldview Judaism
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Testimony of Leaving Islam[edit]

Greetings and peace This is my first post, and something I've been wanting to speak about for quite some time. I could go so much deeper into many things, but I'll keep this as short as I can.

I converted to Islam last year. I'm very young, I should note, so my conversion seemed all the more miraculous to my Muslim friends (I converted about a week after I even first met a Muslim, though the idea had been in my head for a while). They thought my knowledge was passion, and I was rushed into it, partially of my own accord (after all, I thought I had discovered how G-d wants us to live our lives, and since I could die tomorrow, why wait?), and partially because they were so happy for me, I didn't want to express any doubts that I had. The only ones that couldn't be refuted by them were the same doubts that led me to leave the religion.

I had never felt as if I belonged somewhere as much as I did when I was Muslim - people who I had met only once at someone's house would call to see how I was doing, and invite me over to spend time with them. Up until this point in my life, I was very much an outcast - few friends, and those that I did have, I never spent time with. Also, my family is not at all close, so having other people's parents genuinely wanting to take care of me was incredibly heartwarming and sweet. I began wearing the hijab only about a month before I left (which was about one month ago). I'm not quite sure why I started. I didn't feel respected, devoted to G-d, or any more "protected" from the gaze of men because of it. Contrariwise, I felt silly, and like an impersonator. This feeling was not new, however. I noticed that I was beginning to feel like a liar when I prayed. I did not fear G-d, I didn't jump for joy to praise Him when my alarm clock went off before dawn, and I didn't start over if I accidentally left out some Arabic (I also couldn't see the innate importance of Arabic as the only acceptable language). I thought I was being tested, and my friends agreed. I strengthened up a bit and tried, hoping there would be a reward if I overcame the dwindling of my faith, and it worked for a while

And then one day, I began researching apostasy in Islam. The gruesome images of death and punishment didn't shock me at all, but the websites such as this one did. I read a lot, discovering not only many of Islam's atrocities, but its logical fallacies, as well. So many things that I had previously thought about - how Mohammad didn't behave as though I thought a prophet should, and his marriage to Aisha, for example. I did not want to discuss any of this to my friends, so I still prayed when around them, and claimed that I just wasn't ready to keep wearing the hijab. Eventually it happened though, I wrote out a letter, as respectfully as I could, claiming that I had relapsed to atheism (a lie, but I felt it was better than downplaying their religion). Much confusion and disappointment resulted, but my friends, being genuinely wonderful people, still remained friends with me. Until I found out that all they wanted was for me to return to Islam, and no conversation could be complete without religious lectures. We fell apart.

I almost wish I had been born into a Muslim family - the love, togetherness, life, and dedication they displayed is all I ever wanted. Not to mention the really, really awesome food. That's what I miss most about being Muslim, every time I left someone's house, I was sent out with about 5 pounds of the best food I'd ever eaten. I guess if good food and friends are the only positive things I associate with a religion, it's for the best that I left it. I do have an immense respect for Muslims now. That, and I discovered that I'm secretly theologically Jewish. I probably would have killed myself.

Not exactly a good story to tell at parties, but that is that. All the best to everyone.

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