Arrianna (former Muslim)

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This is a testimony of a Muslim leaving Islam. It was originally posted at the ApostatesOfIslam website and has been reproduced here with permission. Views contained in these testimonies are not necessarily endorsed by WikiIslam. See the Testimony Disclaimer for details.
Personal information
Country of origin    Malaysia Flag of Malaysia.png
Gender    F
Faith Information
Current worldview Atheist
Born or convert to Islam? Born into Islam
Parents' worldview Islam

My Testimony of Leaving Islam[edit]

Since I was young, there was something in me that felt uncomfortable about Islam being my religion. I always imagined myself having another religion as my religion. I started to question my parents, staz' and stazah' why do Muslim's did this and that? For what purpose did they do it? What happen if they don't?. All the explanations I got, seemed absurd to me. I can't accept the explanation's I got, but who am I to question the religion that is 'the most perfect religion'.

At first I thought that I kept questioning the validity of Islam because my knowledge about it was so shallow, but then I got a distinction (A1) for 'pendidikan Islam' in my SPM (sijil pelajaran Malaysia). I think it doesn't have to take an expert in Islam to realize that the religion is actually nonsense!

However I keep Islam as my religion and I live the Islamic way of life. I don't have any other choice. This went on for years, until I fell in love with a Siamese/Buddhist guy. We decided to get married, but he refuse to follow me because his younger sister already eloped with a Muslim guy. So, he didn't want to upset his parents. He asked me whether I could follow him. He said he didn't mind if I don't want to be a Buddhist like him, but he asked me whether I could be someone who is non-Muslim so that we could get married. He said he knows that something can be done if a Muslim decides to leave Islam because according to him, there are few lawyers than can help to solve this matter. I realized that the lawyer service requires a lot of money.

I almost broke-up with him as I found it impossible! But then whom am I cheating? The feeling I felt toward Islam is like "etak menanti belah"? I already have doubts about Islam years ago when I was still a young girl. But, I keep convincing myself that it is my destiny to have Islam as my religion? I keep telling myself that I have no other choice in life?

I tried to keep my relationship with my boyfriend a secret, but there are people in UiTM (Branch) who love to "aga tepi kain orang lain" who knew that my boyfriend was a non-Muslim; so, suddenly the rumor spread that I am an apostate! People start to whisper when I was near. I was called by the high authority of UiTM (branch) to explain the situation (of course, I denied the rumor). The situation became worse when my parents also heard the rumors! I was called back home to explain (again, I denied the rumor). I was so stressed out and I couldn't concentrate in my studies and as a result, I was dismissed. I try to make an appeal to study at UiTM (branch) but they just ignored me by saying that my grades are helpless and I am hopeless.

My parents were so angry with me for being dismissed from UiTM. They keep nagging at me about my study, my boyfriend, my religion, et cetera. They want me to leave my boyfriend of 3 years. They said he is the one who influence me to leave Islam by following him. (I don't know how to make them understand that it is my own decision to leave Islam!). They also want me to continue my study at a college near home so that they could keep their eye on me. I refused because I realized that I would not have any chance to go meet my boyfriend at all if I was "chained" in my own home!

To keep up with my rebellion, my parents finally decided to marry me off to a guy in the hope that my future husband will be able to make me forget my non-Malay/Muslim boyfriend. So, thats it. I have to take charge of my own life. So, I run away from home to live with my boyfriend who at that time just started working. How I wish my parents could understand that my decision is for my own happiness. Don't they want me to be happy?

He told his family about our decision to live together. His family opposed their eldest son choice of life-partner just because they are prejudiced toward Malay/Muslim after their daughter eloped with a Muslim guy. I feel so disappointed.

Now my boyfriend and I are living together happily. Sadly, we are not married. Certain people I just knew in this website told me to get married abroad. My boyfriend and I already considered this before. We understand that by marrying abroad, we will have a foreign country's marriage certificate. It's O.K if we decide to stay abroad. However we are living in Malaysia. When we come back, we still need to register our marriage here and the problem will definitely arise at that point as how do we register it by having me follow his religion? If we don't register our marriage here, than we are unable to obtain Malaysia marriage certificate and without it, our child might not have his/her birth certificate. Then, the child is considered as "nak haram"? and worse, he/she might unable to attend school without the birth certificate! We already think about all of this before.

I'm still waiting for that special day when we could be married legally...someone out there please give me suggestions. I don't want to live like this forever.

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